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Bulls will get killed by the Heat -- Because I said so.

Go ahead, celebrate Chicago's 4-2 elimination of the vaunted, immeasurably talented, juggernaut of a team known as the Atlanta Hawks, get caught up in the hype.

From what we just saw from the Bulls, they shouldn't even bother showing up for any of the games against the Miami Heat, as a matter of fact, they might as well begin contemplating retiring from basketball altogether and pursuing another career, such as knitting, or jizzmopping, because they will not beat the Heat.

Derrick Rose, and the other 14 guys on that roster, whatever their names are -- they don't deserve the honor of me using my fingers to type out their entire names on here -- can't win four games against a team that can only be considered the greatest team ever in the history of humanity in any sport, even curling. The Bulls' best chance is to pray that the entire team suffers a massive cocaine overdose in one of Dwyane Wade's sex parties. Short of that I'll take the Heat in two games to win this series. They will win it in two, because after the second game, the Bulls will all collectively cower in so much fear that they will not be able to continue controlling their bowel movements any longer and they will be disqualified for constantly dirtying the basketball court with their fear-induced feces.

How do I know all of this? I have a crystal ball.. in my pants. Yes, I can predict future events, when they will happen, why they will happen and how they will happen. Nostradamus has nothing on me. Anyone who wants to know the winning lottery numbers for tonight can contact me at my email address, for a small fee of course, preferrably Twinkies.

We've never seen such a young player win an MVP award. Derrick Rose is a superior talent and has already established himself as one of the NBA's top players. We've also haven't seen anyone with such fucked up teeth and a stupider looking moustache either and this will be one of the major reasons why the Bulls will undoubtedly lose.

Let's talk about their bench players: C.J. Watson, Kyle Korver, Taj Gibson, Omer Asik, Ronnie Brewer and their coach who sports one of the more impressive looking receeding hairlines in recent memory Tom Thibodeau. This team would probably be the nine seed in the World Series of Darts tournament, the women's division. I'm willing to bet they all have smaller than average penises as well. All of these factors obviously indicate that they don't deserve to breathe the same air as the Miami Heat and should probably be castrated and euthanised.

The Bulls were lucky to beat the all-mighty, powerful Hawks. They're lucky Josh Smith still thinks he's a jump shooting guard. They're lucky the Hawks had to start rookie Jeff Teague as their lone healthy point guard in their roster. They're lucky they played their road games in Atlanta, which is pretty much the toilet of sports towns where 75% of the crowd cheers for the opposing team which essentially meant that the Bulls had 6 home games. They're lucky that their best player, Joe Johnson, who just signed a multi-year, bazillion dollar deal, is the most overrated, overpaid chucker in basketball. It was the perfect storm, the stars aligned, it was... umm... (I ran out of lame ass sports clichès, sorry).

The fact is, I don't like the Bulls, they stink, I bet they smell like cheese... stinking.. rotten cheese. I don't like their uniforms, they listen to Rebecca Black and they probably all use Apple computers. Even though I am paid to be objective and unbiased, I cannot help but to display my undying hatred towards this team I loathe so much. Basically, they are the rash in my balls after walking around in denim jeans for 6 hours on a 102 degree day.

The Heat on the other hand are basically the Gods of basketball and can do no wrong, because I say so. They have all gone to the White House and have had the President dip their penises in gold and diamonds. They have also been known to cure aids and cancer and can fart rainbows and unicorns on command. I also know for a fact that the Ford Taurus is the greatest car ever invented and that the Boogie Man really exists. Nevermind that I have no evidence to back up a single thing I'm saying. These are not opinions folks; these are facts, because I fucking said so! 

Charles Barkley, the world's expert and authority in all things related to celebrating championships even stated that the Heat are ranked #1 in the entire universe in celebrations, but the post-game celebration following the Heat's hard-fought series against the Celtics will pale in comparison to the celebration that will ensue once the Heat complete their two game sweep and public rape and execution of the Chicago Bulls. Reports are that the celebration will be held at the front lawn of Jason Whitlock's residence and that all Heat players and fans are invited to bring their own flaming bags of shit to throw at Mr. Whitlock's house. Alonzo Mourning will be in attendance to autograph his own testicles before promptly shoving them into Whitlock's esophagus. Jason Whitlock's 10 foot, inflatable Derrick Rose blow-up doll will also be raffled off so I would advise that you get there early for that. 

Yes, some sports corporation is paying ME to write articles. I don't even necessarily have to know what the fuck I'm talking about! I can just write my hate-filled articles without any care in the world and I will get paid for it. And people will read it being completely unaware that I'm just a complete hack with a keyboard that just passed my Journalism 101 class last week. The wonderful thing about the internet is that it provides complete idiots like myself a forum to express my opinions, no matter how asinine and idiotic they might be, as long as I pass my opinion onto people as facts and I type them with conviction, it doesn't matter that I like to rub peanut butter on my testicles just to have my doberman pinscher lick it off, I will always have a voice, damnit! Even if all my words are always coming out of my ass.

Chicago-Miami post-game victory celebration on Jason Whitlock's lawn. Can't wait!!!!

(in case you didn't catch on, this satirical entry is in response to jason whitlock's "Heat are no Match For Bulls" article on Foxsports.com, it's not meant to be taken seriously)

Click here to see Jason Whitlock's article on Foxsports.com

"Jason Whitlock writes about the sports world from every angle, including those other writers can't imagine or muster courage to address. His columns are humorous, thought-provoking, agenda free, honest and unpredictable"